I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
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