This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
