mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
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