He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
