An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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