ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
