My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
