Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Randomize
