I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Randomize
