I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
