If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
