I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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