Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
