He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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