he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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