My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
