tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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