found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
