so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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