Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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