Taylor Swift is so right about you.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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