I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
