My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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