dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
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