You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
