And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
