I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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