Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
