i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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