small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
