Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.