You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
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Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
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I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.