Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.