i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
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