Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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