I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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