that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
