I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Help me help you realize you are a moron
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
