im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
