the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
