you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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