I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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