I met the friendliest cop last night
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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