dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
