You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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