saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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