You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
