A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Randomize
