So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Randomize
