Someone shit on the floor
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
