I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
