Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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