Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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