I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
