Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
