I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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