Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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