I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize