It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
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