I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Randomize
