Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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